Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.