A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You Might Also Like
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too