son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money