Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I put the hot in psychotic.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h