[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
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The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again