We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
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If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Netflix: We have Less
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
This anagram machine is out of order.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Education is vital
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
#Caturday
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to