He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Why is this me 😫
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot