“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
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Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.