China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Has science gone too far?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’