teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you