Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m sure it’s fine.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”