Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
pelicons
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Put the is in disheveled
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.