I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies