@SuperRandomish

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

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@Aamir_Tweetz

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

@MarylandMudflap

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

@longwall26

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

@amishschool

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

@blade_funner

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

@LostCatDog

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny