I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?


Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.


Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”


Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED


He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.


Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.


[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?


I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny