Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
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ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
It do be feeling this way.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”