“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Print is alive and well!!!
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE