@Harbinger_one

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

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@KentWGraham

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

@KentWGraham

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

@internetluke

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

@tchrquotes

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

@MsLisaM

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

@TheWeirdWorld

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

@Aspersioncast

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.