PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
*Seductively hides in the woods
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.