Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
You Might Also Like
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.