Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
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*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?