I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
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Damn he played himself
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not