Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.![]()
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WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops