Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.![]()
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ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Lucky old June.
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Meeeee too!
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Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster