Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?