*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You Might Also Like
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.