I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
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October already? What’s next? November????
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER