Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
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Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?