FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???