5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow