KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
when you are just born a rebel
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.