Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
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If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The honesty is refreshing
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
🐕🍷
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
This line from Airplane.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now