There’s no “u” in narcissist
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you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
termite twitter scares me
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.