My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS