Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
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I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
there’s probably a fee though
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love