Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
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I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes