My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
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Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me if I was a dog
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.