Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask