do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.