[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”