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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.