IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Banking tips
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.