Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
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The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
oh my gosh!!
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me