I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what