I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.