My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
You Might Also Like
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Who chose this font
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.