Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
You Might Also Like
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
won’t smith
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.