Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
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Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I’m confused about plants
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
How can I say no to this ?
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!