Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
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PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753