I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
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I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
When you’ve simply given up.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.