Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
grotesque if literal: baby food
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Respect
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here