Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
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