if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
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My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
THIS HEADLINE
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s