My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum