Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
my name if I was in the mob
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.